Archive | September, 2012

Bonus Post and Free Hotdogs!*

5 Sep

*Legal Disclaimer: There are no free hotdogs, anywhere, ever. Sorry to mislead you like that, but I’m not very creative and wanted to hype this post.  I am not responsible for any arrests or beatings incurred as a result of stealing hot dogs from a friend or for lurching out of your local Mars hunched over like Quasimodo with several packs of Ballpark Franks jammed down the front of your pants. 

Okay, as promised, this is the bonus post. Excited? You’re right to be. Of course, it’s almost three weeks late, so it’s really no longer a “bonus post” so much as a “post.” Sorry about that. I’m still working out the kinks on this whole blogging enterprise I’ve undertaken. I know once I get it all figured out, I’ll be balls deep in cash. I’m certain this is how internet jillionaires are made. Here’s how I think it will work: every other Thursday I’ll post a new story or rant. If the stories are more popular than the rants, I’ll post more of them or vice versa. This is where you come in, Gentle Reader. I do this for you. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. Wow, that sure comes off as pathetic, no? I’ll just have to assume that if I’m willing to do whatever you ask, you’re bound to respect me. I think that’s how that works.

Anyway, I need to take a moment to address something important. A couple people have asked me if my stories are true. Short answer: yes. Slightly longer answer: yeah. The bizarre things that I’ve experienced don’t really need embellishment. Sure, I drag the stories out a bit and add observations and references, but the stories themselves are true and described exactly as they occurred. Let me break down my process in five easy steps:

1.       I scour my brain for something ridiculous that happened to me or a friend says, “Dude, remember that time (x) happened to you? You should totally write about that.”

2.       Per our arrangement, I sacrifice a clown to the Ancient Ones who dwell just beyond the veil that separates humanity from the Nether Realms.

3.       I absorb the clown’s soul and use it to add funny flavoring to my tale.

4.       The story complete, I discard the desiccated clown husk as it is no longer of use.

5.       I post the story on my blog for your reading pleasure.

See? Simple. The bottom line is that I bare my naked soul to you in these posts. Before you point and giggle, allow me to remind you that it’s really cold in here. It’s no laughing matter. Will you wear the shriveled ribbon for shrinkage? It’s important that we raise the awareness level – REALLY important.

Below is a letter I wrote that you can use as a pseudo-apology for whatever scandal you eventually find yourself mired. Just as Andy Warhol believed everyone will have their 15 minutes of fame, I believe everyone will be caught doing something awful and need to half-ass, almost kind of apologize. Feel free to adjust the text as needed to fit your individual atrocity, but please give me a shout out when you use it.

Later this week (or more likely next week) I’ll post something shiny, new, and funny for your reading pleasure. I may even post something about the twists and turns my writing career has taken this year. I know you can’t wait for that, but wait you must. So, until then…

A Generic “Mea Culpa” for My Latest Scandal

 It is with the deepest and most sincere regret, that I must acknowledge that my wrongdoing was uncovered. It is unfortunate that the media investigated and found out that I was doing these things, and for that, I am truly, deeply sorry. Had I known I would be caught, I would have taken additional steps to conceal my illicit activities or at least found a proper scapegoat. Had this information not come to light, you, the public, would remain blissfully unaware of the blatant and amoral ways in which I abused your blind trust. I am saddened that media reports have shattered your ignorant innocence. For that, they should be chastised and made to answer to each and everyone one of you poor, formerly deluded saps.

Additionally, I hope that this incident doesn’t cause you to lose faith in the many others – elected officials, CEOs, teachers, your brother in law – whom are currently running similar scams. They deserve to continue to profit from your blind faith, refusal to live in reality, and general lack of interest in anything that is genuinely important. Please don’t allow my exposure to break the bubble of denial that envelops you like a warm hug and keeps reality safely at bay.

As for me, please don’t concern yourself. I vow to rebound from this. I have a myriad of other scams that I will ply once I’m certain you have stopped paying attention to me. After all, wasn’t it Abraham Lincoln who said, “Those who fail to learn from history are truly the greatest Americans of all*”? Those are, beyond doubt, words to live by.

I don’t know if my future frauds will be as successful as this one was, but with the love of God and my Stepford wife, I shall try my best. That’s all any of us can do.

Sincerely,

Richard “Dick” Gozinya, CEO Earthraypers

 

*citation needed

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