Archive | June, 2015

Marriage Equality: Now What?

28 Jun

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today.”

-that priest from The Princess Bride

“If you liked it, well then by golly, you should have placed a ring on it.”

-from the first draft of ‘Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)’ by Dame Beyoncé Knowles

June 26, 2015 — a date which will live in infamy…wait, no, that’s December 7, 1941. June 26, 2015 is a date which will live in…what’s the opposite of infamy? Famy? Famosity? Fuck it, I’ll consult my Roget’s later and get back to you. The important thing to know about this date is that it was the date that the Supreme Court recognized the legality of same sex/gender marriage throughout the United States. Of course, seeing as you’re reading this on the internet, you have already been inundated with news about this for the last 24 hours or so. If this is the first time you’ve used the internet and mine is the first site upon which you’ve stumbled, hi! Did you know there is porn on the internet? Lots of it. Go ahead and check it out. Maybe bookmark this site and come back and read this in six months when you’re ready to look at something other than free boobies.

As I see it, the Court’s decision left people feeling one of three ways: super stoked, super bummed, or totally indifferent. If you’re super stoked it’s probably because:

  • You’re gay or you are the family or friend of someone who is gay and relieved to be recognized as a human being entitled to the same civil rights as everyone else…even though such recognition is long overdue. Seeing how some of us are still not over the whole Greedo shooting first debacle (seriously George? You can’t let us have a Han who is a loveable rogue who only acts in his own best interests when we first meet him? That’s why his saving Luke at the end is such a powerful moment! It’s called a character arc, goddamnit!!), I’m actualy kind of surprised it happened this fast;
  • You’re a divorce attorney or wedding planner pitching a raging money-boner (and it’s lasted way longer than four hours now. You should probably seek medical attention) at the thought of all those potential new clients; or
  • You had a sizeable wager riding on the outcome.

If you’re super bummed, it’s probably because:

  • You’re a homophobe or religious type who just can’t stand the thought of people with matching genitals settling down even though it affects you personally about as much as a mosquito farting in a tornado. Do you people just hate pairs? Do you wear mismatched mittens and socks? Are you secretly all Batman villains? Help me understand;
  • You’re a hipster douchebag who was a fan of gay marriage before it was cool and now that everyone else is onboard, “it’s just so, like, played out, man. Lame. And rainbows? Yeah, they’re cool…if you’re eight!” Man, that fictional hipster guy I just invented is a total asshole. Take your wispy-mustached, porkpie-hatted, skinny jeans-wearing ass to the vintage record store or something and leave us alone; or
  • You had a sizeable wager riding on the outcome.

If you’re totally indifferent…I have nothing to say to you. You should probably just take another bong hit and munch down on some Cheetos or Funyuns or something. Pro tip: get yourself a big bowl and mix a bag of Cheetos and Funyuns together for a tasty treat I like to call ‘Cheetuns.’ You’ll find that eating them is like having a flavor tiger maul each of your taste buds into death’s sweet embrace. Go now; there is nothing more for you here. You can thank me later.

As for the rest of you, here is a handy list of dos and don’ts to help you figure out how to act now that same sex marriage is the law of the land.

Do:

High five. A lot. This goes for both gay people and friends of gay people. High fiving is the ultimate in underrated celebration. Indulge in it!

Don’t:

Panic. I know for many opponents of marriage equality this decision will be the final straw that unleashes the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They’ve been sitting in the green room sipping coffee and making awkward, weather-based small talk just waiting for their cue, and now they have it. Let me set your mind at ease:  if Zayn leaving One Direction wasn’t enough to set them in motion, you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Do:

Gloat. Go ahead, you’ve earned it. When the Orioles win the World Series I will be an insufferable prick about it for months. As a straight Caucasian with a penis, that’s about as good as it gets for me. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s liked to be denied a fundamental right for nonsensical reasons and then suddenly have it given to me. That’s probably as good as least 10 World Series, right? As this is not something I can really wrap my head around, I’m just going to shut up now.

Don’t:

Misunderstand. The Supreme Court’s decision does not DEMAND an end to opposite sex marriage. Gay militias will not be coming to your home to make you divorce your spouse and marry someone of the same gender. Of course, if you want to do that, you have the option now.

Do:

Be cool. If you’re happy about this decision, you should definitely gloat (see above), but within reason. Have some AMAZING parades and rallies, but try not to overdo it. Actually, you know what? Fuck it; overdo the shit out of it! You can get married now! You too can experience the hassle of wedding planning, in-laws that don’t think you’re good enough for their son/daughter, the soul-crushing ennui of just going through the motions for the kids, and, hopefully for most of you, the joy of spending a lifetime committed to the person you love.

Don’t:

Be a dick. You’re angry. You wanted the Supreme Court to invalidate gay marriage and it didn’t. Be gracious in defeat. I’m not saying to let go of your anger, but refocus it. There are plenty of worthwhile causes to be angry about. Hunger is shitty. Get angry about that. Ditto homelessness. How about getting angry that they won’t greenlight a sequel to the Firefly movie despite there being literally an entire universe of possibilities worth exploring? The point is, there are worthy causes that need your support and, yes, your anger.

Do:

Be happy. Regardless of where you fall on this admittedly divisive issue, life is good and worth living. It can be shitty at times and we don’t always get what we want, but it sure as fuck beats the alternative.

Don’t: Call it ‘gay marriage’ anymore. It’s just ‘marriage’ now.

And that’s the way it should be.

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