A Song Of Nice and Fire

27 Jul

“Take a look at them. All nice guys. They’ll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last.”

-Leo Durocher

Nice guys finish last. It’s a cliché for a reason, right? Otherwise, why would people say it SO much. Well, this personally has never been my experience. In fact, I believe nice guys only ever finish last in the bedroom…but that’s an entirely different post.

I’m a bona fide nice guy and I’ve never felt it as a hindrance; to the contrary, I feel it’s benefited me greatly in both work and personal relationships. What is my point? Am I bragging about how awesome my life is and how jealous you should totally be of it? Obviously. I mean, duh. However, I do have another purpose in mentioning all of this. See, I recently stumbled across this article about nice guys and the pitfalls of dating them. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend that you do as it’s a really fascinating read. While the lady or ladies writing the piece seem, well, nice enough, I unequivocally disagree with them. So as a nice guy, I took it upon myself to write a respectful response to each of the main points.

  1. There is something truly scary to me about a nice guy.

Spiders are scary. Clowns, ditto. Now you could be the nicest clown or spider the world has ever seen and no one would love you. I totally get and support that. But nice guys? We’re really only scary in the mornings pre-coffee.  I understand that our niceness makes you think we’re somehow more hurtable, but trust me, we’re not made of glass like Sam Jackson in Unbreakable (have you seen that film? It’s from before M. Night Shyamalan totally lost it as a filmmaker so it’s definitely worth your time. Also, a sequel to it is coming soon! And it will involve the characters from the film Split, which I haven’t seen, but I’ve heard good things about. See? Nice guys are also full of useful movie suggestions). We can handle whatever you normals can handle and, dare I say, more (oh, I dare). Look, heartbreak sucks for everybody. Just because we’re nice doesn’t mean we feel it any more or less than anyone else. In short, if things don’t work out, we will be fine.

2. I am terrified that a nice guy will want to settle down right away.

Ugh. If there is one nice guy stereotype I wish to dispel, it’s this one. Believe me, nice guy does not equal OMG-I-want-to-immediately-settle-down-and-be-with-you-forever-because-we-are-so-obviously-soul-mates-and-also-can-I-please-chew-on-your-hair. We like casual too, but sometimes find ourselves designated as BOYFRIEND MATERIAL and shelved by potential partners until they decide they’re ready for us. Kind of unfair. But this, like just about anything else, can be solved with a little thing I like to call, “communication.” If you’re worried that you think we want to have an instant and long lasting relationship, be up front. Tell us that’s not what you’re looking for. If a guy isn’t cool with that, he wasn’t worth dating anyway. Personally, I approach every dating situation the same way: I’m not looking for anything, but I’m up for everything. That way, there’s never any pressure that this has to be THE ONE and things can happen organically.

3. Nice guys are so hard to walk away from.

This one I can’t help you with. We are pretty amazing. If you broke up with two nice guys and it was super hard, you’re probably a good person. You also probably did the right thing. Either they weren’t right for you or you weren’t ready for what they were offering. The fact that it hurt you so bad speaks volumes about you. But don’t let the potential of a little pain steer you away from someone who could potentially give you exactly what you’re looking for. Besides, you always hurt the ones you love. It’s inevitable so roll with it. No one’s life was ever made worse because they had more good people in it. The relationship that doesn’t work out today could lead you to the love of your life tomorrow.

4. Mystery still infatuates me.

I assume you don’t mean this guy:

Although admittedly he still infatuates me.

I’m totally with you on this, but I think you’re conflating nice with boring. Those are two entirely different concepts. Being with a nice guy doesn’t mean you have to settle for a boring guy. Take me for example: I’m incredibly spontaneous. Any random weekend I may decide we should take a road trip to another state, play laser tag, or hell, maybe even go skydiving. I may surprise you with a homemade dinner, flowers, and a rubdown just because it’s Tuesday and Tuesdays are, without fail, awful and soul crushing. My point is that nice doesn’t have to be boring and if it is, you found yourself a boring nice guy and need to move on. I’ve dated boring people who were perfectly decent and, yes, it was difficult to leave, but I was happy when I did. And I didn’t let those experiences turn me off of nice people.

Nice guys, like any other type of guy, are all different. Give us another try; we’d love to get you back on our team. However, I would caution you to look out for the “nice” guy. You know him – he’s resentful and bitter because you’re dating someone sooooooo clearly wrong for you and he would treat you so AMAZING, but you must just LOVE assholes who treat you like garbage because that’s all any woman really wants. Yeah, fuck that guy. He gives the rest of us a bad name.

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